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Katniss Everdeen to Replace Haymitch Abernathy as Head of Social Distancing Conference

Controversy has come to the 2020 Social Distancing Conference of the Capitol, a special event brought to you by the Capitol. District 12 Victor Katniss Everdeen has been named as the replacement for fellow victor Haymitch Abernathy, who had previously been tapped to lead the conference.

The SDCC, which is to be held online in mid-April, was created to teach Capitol citizens about the importance of social distancing and offer inspirational tips on self-isolation.

Abernathy is said to be refusing all calls, and he was filmed last week by a news drone, saying that his advice on social distancing could be summed up with, “STAY HOME!”

Abernathy then uncourteously slammed the door to his house and has not been seen or heard from since.

Miss Everdeen released a statement regarding her new appointment, saying, “Thanks to the Capitol, I have lots of experience with being placed at least six feet away from others while preparing to stock up on supplies.”

Successful education of residents of the Capitol has thus far proven difficult, and it has been only one of the many struggles the Capitol faces during a Panem-wide pandemic.

Last week, the nation was rocked by the #Stewgate incident, in which longtime Capitol TV personality Caesar Flickerman inadvertently revealed during a live Zoom interview that he has been hoarding a stash of thousands of cans of lamb stew in his sprawling Capitol apartment.

As the nation of Panem comes to grips with the new normal of flattening the curve, Capitol citizens have been keeping busy by posting #QuarantineFashion tips on social media and binge-watching the wildly popular D3flix documentary series, Tigris Queen.

Note from the Jabberjays staff: This article is purely satire for April Fools’ Day. We hope that it brings you a smile and/or a laugh. Please stay home and stay healthy.

About Crystal

A 40-year-old mom to three living in Honolulu, Hawaii, Crystal Watanabe is a full-time freelance fiction editor.
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